MATCH RESULT NIGHMARES
By David Dove
(Exiled Spireite David has recently become a much valued addition to our squad of contributors, his writings provide both humour and quality and, in this instance, reminds us all of one or more instances where getting hold of result proved more difficult than you'd like. Many thanks - Howard)
There are people who believe some things are more important than Chesterfield Football Club. Unfortunately these individuals sometimes attain positions of influence (typically within the marriage partnership) where they are able to press their own interests over and above those of the simple Spireite-loving soul, such as myself, whose only desire is to pursue his or her calling without the distractions of holidays, weddings, birthdays, shopping etc. I've occasionally had to succumb to these pressures and have missed games for all these reasons. (Well not shopping obviously - there are limits!)
Non-attendance at a match, whether voluntary or 'enforced', always presents the problem of how to find out the result. Admittedly this is not an insurmountable problem if you're sat at home in front of the telly. However if you're in the 'enforced' scenario then chances are you're a long way from home with no easy access to those comforting words "Here are the football results read by James Alexander Gordon."
Probably the most frustrating time I ever had trying to find out the result of a game was the occasion of our 3rd Div play-off final game against Bury in 1995. I wasn't there in person because I'd vowed after our previous play-off final appearance that I would never go to Wembley again. This wasn't because of disappointment at our 1-0 defeat but more to do with other aspects of the dismal Wembley set-up which I won't dwell on here. (I was quite prepared to break my 'no Wembley' vow in 1997 until David Elleray decided to intervene and keep me honest.) The other reason I wasn't there was that I had a holiday in France booked to start that day and was trying to convince myself and my wife that I was not totally enslaved by my addiction to the Spireites and that in the interests of leading a full and rounded life could quite easily give them up - at least temporarily. Anyway, whilst driving through France I had managed to locate the Saturday afternoon sports programme on the BBC World Service. The programme was presented by Paddy Feeney who anyone not in the first flush of youth may remember from television as one of the question masters on a programme called 'Top of the Form'. This was a quiz show where Smart Alec school kids answered very hard questions on very dull subjects. Much to their own and Paddy Feeney's satisfaction they invariably answered the questions correctly. I'd never been Paddy's biggest fan but his performance in presenting the World Service sports programme that afternoon reduced him to the Devil Incarnate in my eyes. He read the half time scores, which included the very welcome news that Chesterfield were 2-0 up against Bury. No further updates were forthcoming. Paddy provided scorelines and in-depth analysis of every sporting event from Archery in Argentina to Zebra racing in Zaire - but no mention of the play-off final. Come 5.00pm there was still no news. My imagination was working overtime and I'd convinced myself we'd gone down to a second-half fightback from Bury. I just needed Paddy to put me out of my misery but he wasn't prepared to co-operate - he was far more interested in telling me about the Kayaking in Kazakhstan.
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Spireites celebrate at Wembley whilst Dave awaits news in France |
By this time it was early evening, we'd arrived at our hotel and my wife had checked in, lugged our cases to the room and unpacked. All without my assistance because I was still in the car. I was refusing to leave until I'd finished fashioning a half-eaten baguette and a fag packet into a scale model of Paddy Feeney into which I would later be sticking pins. Finally& Eventually& At Long Last & to the accompaniment of the programme's closing music Paddy announced the final score from Wembley: Chesterfield 2, Bury 0. As the wave of relief swept over me my reaction to this joyous news was to scream at the radio "Why couldn't you have told me that an hour ago you ******* ******!" An interesting (and totally true) postscript to this story is that about a week after I returned from holiday there was a small piece in the newspaper which said that Paddy Feeney was leaving his role as presenter of the World Service Saturday afternoon sports programme. No reason was given but I happen to know it was because he was in constant pain from the tiny pin-pricks that had mysteriously appeared all over his body.
Nowadays, of course, the arrival of the Internet and mobile phones has made it possible to not only get results but actually track any game from virtually anywhere in the world. This was brought home to me earlier this season when I was 'influenced' to attend a family wedding in Italy. (As far as I'm concerned anyone who arranges a wedding for four o'clock on the same day as a Chesterfield home game and the Saturday of the final Ashes Test can have no complaints if a Chesterfield-supporting, cricket-loving individual decides not to turn up - but this cut no ice with the influencer in my life). Anyway by using my fancy mobile phone with Internet connection I was able to cheer everyone up on the English side of the aisle with regular updates on Chesterfield's progress to a 3-0 win over Bournemouth and the news that bad light had stopped play at Lords. (To be truthful the Australian relatives in our number weren't too ecstatic about this last piece of information). The Italians must have wondered about the constant whispering from our side of the church as all the latest scores were eagerly disseminated and discussed. I hope they thought I was providing an English translation of the service although, if they did, some of them must still be wondering precisely which part of the Italian wedding ceremony translates as "Jesus Christ &" (no problem there) "& Swansea are 7-1 up against Bristol City!"
